EMPIRE BURLESQUE
(1985, Columbia Records)
MY DINNER
(A classic slice of Ellio's pizza, from the box, garnished with parmesan cheese and Frank's "I Put That $h!t On Everything" Red Hot)
Welcome my holiday happy friends and listeners to another gut wrenching entry of Dinner With Dylan. As the Christmas season is upon us, I only thought it necessary to hold my piece of once frozen, craptastic pizza in front of it for full piney freshness. This may be the lowest form of DINNER yet... but when dealing with such monstrosities as Dylan's 23rd album, it's only fitting.
(Robbie Hart... The original Bob Dylan of 1985)
(me, in the water, about the listen to Empire Burlesque)
Anyway, I'll hold off on the dinner portion for now. The miracle of birth is always the best appetizer. Let's talk about the record.
The short of it; This record is bad. Goodnight.
Just saved the internet a bunch of digital waste.
Okay, since you must insist on more waste, I shall exercise my fingers. Dylan recorded his 23rd album in the Summer of 1984 fresh off a European tour in support of Infidels, all while still flippin' off Jesus in the rearview.
("Right back at you. You have betrayed me, Bobby"- Jesus to Robert Zimmerman in '84)
Bob Dylan took a bunch of songs he had from the Infidels sessions plus some he wrote at his Malibu home and turned it into this confounding scrap heap. Again, goodnight. Ok, I'll go on a little longer since someone's gotta eat this Ellio's pizza while listening to the damn thing.
Yes, the bible days were behind him with Infidels slowly becoming another footnote in a once storied carrier. With Zimmy not getting any younger, guess he felt like no time like the present to make a run at MTV!!!
For those who don't know, MTV was a music related channel that showed music videos like this...
and this
Yes, that's pretty much what MTV was in 1985, and the kids loved it. Hell, even Bob Dylan was on MTV doing his best confused faced during 1985's "We Are The World."
("We are the what? Woooooorrrrrld, maaaannnnn?"- Dylan in his mind, still talking like a goat)
So Bob Dylan, being the Hitmaker he was in '85 thought, "Hey, Mr. Establishment. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." And join him he did, with membership card in hand. Except these songs were about as enjoyable to the MTV generation as listening to Reganonmics-on-Tape.
Initially, Dylan produced the sessions himself. However, when it came time to mix, Hitmaker Dyl sought out producer Arthur Baker to assist in added production, etc. At the time, Arthur Baker was somewhat famously known for working with hip-hop legend Africa Bambaataa, as well as New Order, and (much lesser hip-hop legends) Hall & Oates. It was time for a new, fresh sound. The one's the kids would dig!
(80s kids thinkin' Empire Burlesque is a bitchen skate record in the burbs. Fuck Reagan)
For all of its strange choices, it's a fascinating time and place in the Dylan discography, as well as a polarizing record. Some say it was worth the attempt but remains laughable. Others are like, "listen below the synths, the lyrics are there, maaaaaannn!" That fake quote I just made up is probably from Bob Dylan alone in a dark room in 1986. Deep breath, let's do this.
Who's that Don Johnson looking motherlover on the front cover? Some might actually think it's Adam Sandler's stunt double in the Wedding Singer.
(Robbie Hart... The original Bob Dylan of 1985)
But you'd be wrong. It is actually Bob Dylan, born Robert Zimmerman fully soaking in the Big Haired/Crack Epidemic riddled Hot Tub that was the '80s. 1985 to be exact! The hair was big, ghost busting was an actual job (I'm pretty sure), and America was getting ready to go BACK TO THE FUTURE. Also, fetuses were REALLY cool in the mid-'80s. How do I know? Because I was a fetus in the '80s! Right when this LP came out. Yes, this is my Bob Dylan birth record.
Anyway, I'll hold off on the dinner portion for now. The miracle of birth is always the best appetizer. Let's talk about the record.
The short of it; This record is bad. Goodnight.
Just saved the internet a bunch of digital waste.
Okay, since you must insist on more waste, I shall exercise my fingers. Dylan recorded his 23rd album in the Summer of 1984 fresh off a European tour in support of Infidels, all while still flippin' off Jesus in the rearview.
("Right back at you. You have betrayed me, Bobby"- Jesus to Robert Zimmerman in '84)
Bob Dylan took a bunch of songs he had from the Infidels sessions plus some he wrote at his Malibu home and turned it into this confounding scrap heap. Again, goodnight. Ok, I'll go on a little longer since someone's gotta eat this Ellio's pizza while listening to the damn thing.
Yes, the bible days were behind him with Infidels slowly becoming another footnote in a once storied carrier. With Zimmy not getting any younger, guess he felt like no time like the present to make a run at MTV!!!
For those who don't know, MTV was a music related channel that showed music videos like this...
and this
and this
Yes, that's pretty much what MTV was in 1985, and the kids loved it. Hell, even Bob Dylan was on MTV doing his best confused faced during 1985's "We Are The World."
("We are the what? Woooooorrrrrld, maaaannnnn?"- Dylan in his mind, still talking like a goat)
So Bob Dylan, being the Hitmaker he was in '85 thought, "Hey, Mr. Establishment. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." And join him he did, with membership card in hand. Except these songs were about as enjoyable to the MTV generation as listening to Reganonmics-on-Tape.
Initially, Dylan produced the sessions himself. However, when it came time to mix, Hitmaker Dyl sought out producer Arthur Baker to assist in added production, etc. At the time, Arthur Baker was somewhat famously known for working with hip-hop legend Africa Bambaataa, as well as New Order, and (much lesser hip-hop legends) Hall & Oates. It was time for a new, fresh sound. The one's the kids would dig!
(80s kids thinkin' Empire Burlesque is a bitchen skate record in the burbs. Fuck Reagan)
For all of its strange choices, it's a fascinating time and place in the Dylan discography, as well as a polarizing record. Some say it was worth the attempt but remains laughable. Others are like, "listen below the synths, the lyrics are there, maaaaaannn!" That fake quote I just made up is probably from Bob Dylan alone in a dark room in 1986. Deep breath, let's do this.
SIDE A:
Tight Connection To My Heart (Has Anybody Seen My Love)- 3 Dylan has gone into full '80s mid-life crisis mode here. This song is living proof, if you put a vacuum hose up to your soul it is possible to suck it dry. One has to wonder, if that bushy-haired, Woody Guthrie obsessed spinner of tall-tales from Minnesota put on a pair of headphones in the '60s and heard what he'd later be doing in the '80s... who knows what might have happened!?
However, after all my whining, this song is horribly catchy, and I've always kind of liked it. It's part thrift-store-keyboard-rock, part reggae cruise-ship vibe, with a strong lick of country pop. I mean, this is terrible, but fascinating. Let's not forget, all too catchy. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor to help chew my first bite here. Woof!.. but I kind of like the pain.
(Bob Dylan in 1962 listening to his own record from the future, during a 46ยบ day)
However, after all my whining, this song is horribly catchy, and I've always kind of liked it. It's part thrift-store-keyboard-rock, part reggae cruise-ship vibe, with a strong lick of country pop. I mean, this is terrible, but fascinating. Let's not forget, all too catchy. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor to help chew my first bite here. Woof!.. but I kind of like the pain.
(a local dog cowers in shame after I admit I kind of like the opening track to Empire Burlesque)
Seeing The Real You at Last- 1 So I really didn't touch on tonight's dinner. Hell, I don't know if I'll even TOUCH tonight's dinner. Initially, my wife and I planned a nice salmon meal, but with both of us feeling under the weather I thought, I'll heat up this Ellio's pizza.
For those who don't know, Ellio's looks a little something like this:
Back to the song: Not only is Dylan dressed like he's out of an episode of Miami Vice on the cover, but here it's as if Dylan took a stab at penning some humid, neon light glowing groove rock from a potentially unaired cop-related pilot. It's sweaty, it's gross, it funked up in the worst way.
OH FUCK, I burned the roof of my mouth on Ellio's pizza. I got overzealous. The hot sauce on this pizza is sure to make things less enjoyable with every bite from here on out.
Anyway, this SONG sucks too. Ugh, I'm going to look a picture of the old Bob Dylan. I mean, the young Bob Dylan, to remember what the old days were like... back when I thought, "hey, there's a really coooooool guy,"....
For those who don't know, Ellio's looks a little something like this:
(neither of these people are me)
I had this around the house from the last 2 for $4 sale at the Stop and Shop (that rockin'-ass supermarket from The Modern Lovers "Roadrunner"), and thought why not? Well, let me tell you, I love this yoga mat pizza topped with synthetic cheese. Is it pizza? Fuck no. Is it food? I don't think so AT ALL. More on this later.
Back to the song: Not only is Dylan dressed like he's out of an episode of Miami Vice on the cover, but here it's as if Dylan took a stab at penning some humid, neon light glowing groove rock from a potentially unaired cop-related pilot. It's sweaty, it's gross, it funked up in the worst way.
OH FUCK, I burned the roof of my mouth on Ellio's pizza. I got overzealous. The hot sauce on this pizza is sure to make things less enjoyable with every bite from here on out.
Anyway, this SONG sucks too. Ugh, I'm going to look a picture of the old Bob Dylan. I mean, the young Bob Dylan, to remember what the old days were like... back when I thought, "hey, there's a really coooooool guy,"....
AHHHHHHH!!!! DON'T LOOK BACK!!! A prophecy! How right you are, Hitmaker Dyl. This is the '80s, and we can no longer "look back." This is it... onward we march. But what are we marching for? Oh sweet baby jesus, is this song still playing?..... This pizza is very hot!
I'll Remember You- 3 After that sleazed up funk, and burnt ass mouth, I've practically lost my will to eat. I've gone ahead and sprinkled more parmesan cheese on the pizza to quell the Frank's Red Hot.
Hearing this song after "Seeing the Real You At Last" is jarring! I practically LOVE this song, but maybe only because of the juxtaposition. This song is actually a really beautiful, melancholy number, like the first sun after a spring shower; even though the lyrics are a ball of corn, and the production omits a stench. However, if this were done around the time of say Time Out of Mind, we'd all be singing it's praises.
Hearing this song after "Seeing the Real You At Last" is jarring! I practically LOVE this song, but maybe only because of the juxtaposition. This song is actually a really beautiful, melancholy number, like the first sun after a spring shower; even though the lyrics are a ball of corn, and the production omits a stench. However, if this were done around the time of say Time Out of Mind, we'd all be singing it's praises.
Clean Cut Kid- 2 If you were looking for soundtrack music for Uncle Buck 2: The Sequel We Never Knew you've come to the right track!
This is some straight up white boy blues flop. Aurally, it sounds the way some Billy Joel music videos look! It's less cool than a skinny tie music, but for people who dig skinny ties! Another car wreck in the catalog of which I can't peel my ears from. It's got swing, hooks, but makes me wanna crawl back in the womb just a little bit (refer to above Pool picture). Anyway, it's about a kid going off to Vietnam and coming back FUBAR'd. Lyrically, noble concept, but horrid execution.
(Uncle Buck meets Dylan, 1989)
This is some straight up white boy blues flop. Aurally, it sounds the way some Billy Joel music videos look! It's less cool than a skinny tie music, but for people who dig skinny ties! Another car wreck in the catalog of which I can't peel my ears from. It's got swing, hooks, but makes me wanna crawl back in the womb just a little bit (refer to above Pool picture). Anyway, it's about a kid going off to Vietnam and coming back FUBAR'd. Lyrically, noble concept, but horrid execution.
Never Gonna Be the Same Again- 2 For those keeping track at home, I've finished my slab of frozen pizza. The one that I posed with by the X-mas tree. Before Side 2, I will heat up another.
Here, the song title pretty much summed up where Bob Dylan had fallen by the time 1985 had rolled around. Sure, he was performing at Live Aid, touring all over the world, and reveling in his past fame, but truly these were dark times. This track has some life to it, soulfully delivered by Dylan and the backups ghouls hidden in the production mist. However, the synths and electro drum hits suck the life out of this potential gem. The electric high-end keys lead needs to be studied!
Here, the song title pretty much summed up where Bob Dylan had fallen by the time 1985 had rolled around. Sure, he was performing at Live Aid, touring all over the world, and reveling in his past fame, but truly these were dark times. This track has some life to it, soulfully delivered by Dylan and the backups ghouls hidden in the production mist. However, the synths and electro drum hits suck the life out of this potential gem. The electric high-end keys lead needs to be studied!
SIDE B:
Trust Yourself- 1 Ladies and Germs, I am back with a fresh slice of Ellio's pizza, a pizza so versatile I can be eaten while doing your homework or while at a sleepover. It can also be used as a bathroom sponge or a saucy face rag. Endless possibilities!
Here's another song title that really sums up what Bob Dylan wasn't quite doing in 80s. Or perhaps he was trusting himself too much. Song sounds like a snarling pep talk in a PSA commercial. The music is far more sparse than the last two tracks, but manages to be a brutal assault on the ears. Also, it's incredibly boring. Talk about dragging your feet through the mud...plus there's no doormat for Dylan to wipe his shoes off in the end. Muddy bullshit!
(Ellio's; Natures' Face Rag)
Here's another song title that really sums up what Bob Dylan wasn't quite doing in 80s. Or perhaps he was trusting himself too much. Song sounds like a snarling pep talk in a PSA commercial. The music is far more sparse than the last two tracks, but manages to be a brutal assault on the ears. Also, it's incredibly boring. Talk about dragging your feet through the mud...plus there's no doormat for Dylan to wipe his shoes off in the end. Muddy bullshit!
(a collection of Dylan's "session" shoes, worn between Street-Legal and Under the Red Sky; '78-'90)
Emotionally Yours- 2 Bobby does the ballads. Again, like "I'll Remember You," the guts of the song are strong. The lyrics and vocally delivery, however, are pretty poor. On top of that, the production makes this come off as a backing track you'd hear playing at Chinese Buffet on a rainy Tuesday. It's the music you'd find on your cousin's personalized High School Graduation VHS tape, from 1985.... It's horrid. Still, the song has a nice hook to it. If for 4 minutes and 30 seconds you want to feel like you live in the town of Twin Peaks, then this song is (emotionally) for you.
(SPOILER ALERT: Deputy Andy Brennan killed Laura Palmer after hearing Empire Burlesque There, hope you're happy).
When the Night Comes Falling From the Sky- 1 Stop what you're doing! I don't care if you're pulling a car off a baby. Get to a computer, a record store, wherever you might find this (probably a computer), and listen to this opening. Is there a musical equivalent to a Razzie? If so toss it over its way! Woof.
This song is so long, you can stop what you're doing and actually find out who killed Laura Palmer in the meantime. By the time you find out, this song will probably be still playing (it's about 14 hours long), and you won't care who killed Laura Palmer anymore. You'll wish they had killed you too! This is an all you can eat buffet of bad taste, dated decadence, and disco-vogue done Dylan style. Somewhat peculiarly, Dylan sounds pretty great on this track vocal-wise. This is still a MUST HEAR. An infamous track all-around, and one that's got me gaggin'.
(exhibit A: a Razzie)
This song is so long, you can stop what you're doing and actually find out who killed Laura Palmer in the meantime. By the time you find out, this song will probably be still playing (it's about 14 hours long), and you won't care who killed Laura Palmer anymore. You'll wish they had killed you too! This is an all you can eat buffet of bad taste, dated decadence, and disco-vogue done Dylan style. Somewhat peculiarly, Dylan sounds pretty great on this track vocal-wise. This is still a MUST HEAR. An infamous track all-around, and one that's got me gaggin'.
Something's Burning, Baby- 3 A somber, hopeful drone of a march that eventually breaks form, easing into sluggish pop territory. It's quite possibly the most "normal" sounding track on the record in terms of production but still horribly dated. Although strange beyond belief, it's probably the best track on the record since the opener. But who knows? There are those who will tell you they are fans of this record... But I don't believe their ears.
(exhibit A: an example of a person whose ears I don't believe)
Dark Eyes- 5 So we've come to the end of the long walk off a not so short pier. As to remind everyone that Bob Dylan is still Bob Dylan and not Robbie Zimmerflash of the Disco underworld, the song opens with an acoustic guitar along with harmonica accompaniment. Holy crow! AND, there's never a preprogrammed drum drop in! Let me sit here and actually enjoy this one... This song is goddamn perfect, it makes me wanna weep. Weep for the song. The fans. Myself for sitting through Empire Burlesque. Repetitive, beautiful, haunting closer.
Another Dinner is in the can, my friends. When I say can, I mean garbage can. And when I say "garbage can" I mean my stomach, which is full of 2 slab of Ellio's face rags.
Join me next time, if you can still stomach this journey. I just might cook up something bland and forgettable, as I listen to one of the most forgotten LPs of the Bob Dylan discography; a real speck of dust floating in a Grand Canyon sized catalog.... Knocked Out Loaded. See y'all next time!!!
Another Dinner is in the can, my friends. When I say can, I mean garbage can. And when I say "garbage can" I mean my stomach, which is full of 2 slab of Ellio's face rags.
Join me next time, if you can still stomach this journey. I just might cook up something bland and forgettable, as I listen to one of the most forgotten LPs of the Bob Dylan discography; a real speck of dust floating in a Grand Canyon sized catalog.... Knocked Out Loaded. See y'all next time!!!
(Bob Dylan biographers trying to find evidence of Knocked Out Loaded)
OK, yes - this is a horrendously wrong-headed attempt to make Dylan attractive to a mid-80s audience. As a bonus, Bob here unveils what one reviewer called his "stuffed pig" voice - pinched and nasal to the point of comedy. So, how come whenever I play this album (not often), I find myself really enjoying it??? It has, in fact, become one of my Secret Guilty Dylan Pleasures (along with "Self Portrait" and one or two others).
ReplyDeleteWell, where else can you find Dylan stealing a line from an old Star Trek episode ("I'll go along with the charade until I can think my way out")? In fact, Bob seems to have been watching a LOT of late-night TV during this period, check this out: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=02-fRZixLa8
Unintentionally, "Empire Burlesque" is a unique - and completely demented - Camp Classic. And yes, "Dark Eyes" is terrific.
Well stated! Yes, I would consider this record to be "demented." A perfect splash sticker for any future releases. All jokes aside, it is really fascinating how strange it is, and I think it should be heard.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that youtube video is incredible. WOW!!! This video should be seen by the masses, based on the editing and research alone! Thanks for sharing.