Down in the Groove (1988)

DOWN IN THE GROOVE

(1988, Columbia Records)

MY DINNER

(2 BEYOND MEAT "sausages, one Italian style w/ peppers and onions. The other, onions w/ spicy mustard)

It has come to the portion of Dinner With Dylan where I have gone insane. I have forgotten what I like about Bob Dylan, and find myself a shell of man. A shell, that has lost its nuts. Maybe, I'm just NUTS?  Can I go on to yet another '80s Dylan record, and manage to sit here, critically listening, while shoving food in my mouth? The answer, of course, is YES!  But, before I reach any beacon of hope with '90s Dylan,


(aka, Bobby Grunge)


 ... I must first make it through these nutty albums, as I sink deeper into the nut pit.  BUT, luckily, judging by the line-up card of rich and varied musical contributing to Dylan's uuuuhhhhforgettable 25th LP, we should be in for a fever dream of a real rock treat. So, all you rock n roll nut heads out there, WHAT DO YOU SAY?!!!.  ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!!!


("I can't hear you in the back!"- Dylan and fans, circa '88)

No, rock fans!  I'm talkin' bout the ones who can't get enough of that sweet sweet rock n roll, the ones who follow the lineage down the line! I'm waxin' philo(dough)sophical 'bout the ones who've gotta crack a Griel Marcus, or a Lester Bangs compendium, even when they're sitting on the john, cause they can't get enough of the ROCK facts.  I'm talkin' to you, the ones goin' through the liner notes with a fine-toothed guitar pick, soakin' up knowledge like sweat into Dave Mustaine's wristband.


(your brain on rock knowledge is the sweat soaking into Dave Mustaine's wristband)

Well, if you've answered "YES," then let me sign you up for Bob Dylan's Down in the Groove. After many years of Dylan being religious, confusing, obnoxious, unlistenable, laughable, indecisive, complacent, and all-of-the-above, we have reached another dead end in the seemingly never-ending Dylan pantheon of dead end records. What makes this one so strange, rock fans who seek the knowledge? Well, for starters, this album features appearances by... um, EVERYONE.


ROLL CALL:  For you Dead Head's, on this album we got Jerry Garcia, and guitarist Bob Weir. For you '70s Brit-punk fans, Paul Simonon of The Clash AND Steve Jones from Sex Pistols. Can't get enough of '80s Rolling Stones? No problem, because this album's got Ronnie Wood, formerly of The Faces. How 'bout tryin' to move those refrigerators and installing your microwave ovens? Well, Dire Straits' Mark Knopfler is BACK in the house... Not to mention about 547 other musicians from around the world of recorded music, including Randy Jackson who would later become a household name with American Idol.  So what's it all add up to?


(Ariel view of the Down In The Groove listening party, Columbia Records HQ)

Okay, that's not entirely true. I want to go on record as being one of the few in defense of Down in the Groove. It's generally thought to be one of Dylan's most lifeless records, the practical bottom of the barrel. Even Dylan himself has since admitted he was flat out lost during this time. However, when held against is other work of the era, and leading 10 years back, it's so weird it kind of works, if only in spots! This pile of nonsense is half stuffed with beer-soaked blues rockers, and half bloated with odd arrangements and song choices. Call it the shorter, poor man's Self Portrait, Down in the Groove is, arguably worth another examination. Or perhaps, NOT AT ALL!

Understanding the recording history of this album is about as easy as hanging a calendar on a cheetah's ass, and then trying to hit it with a dart while blindfolded. The whole mess is compiled from 6 years of various recording sessions. Disturbing fact; No 2 songs on this LP are from the same session!


(Columbia Records exec attending one of 7000 recording sessions for Down In the Groove)


So what does it all mean? Well, just like 1986's Knocked Out Loaded, this is a craptastic album that most people chose to ignore!

Before I take in a spin of said craptastic record, let's touch on my dinner. Tonight, I have secured myself a package of the illusive hot Italian Beyond Sausage from the Beyond Meat company. These sausages, since hitting the market, are like the Tickle-Me-Elmos of the Vegetarian world. Stores can't keep them on the shelves! Luckily, I snagged a pack at my local Whole Foods, and am BEYOND excited to get started on these puppies (Beyond Meat, email me on where you can send the check). I couldn't decide on a Italian style faux sausage with peppers and onions, or one topped with sautéed onions and spicy brown mustard.  So, like any overweight vegetarian who eats only pasta, I made both!

Before we get into things, let's follow tradition and speak of the album cover. Here we see Dylan on a chair, under stage lights, the whole damn thing out of focus. Yeah, the cover is about as exciting as the record sounds. Blurred, dark, crummy, and destined for the dollar bin. Too bad Columbia didn't take a chance on the cover I made 30 years later for this blog...







Oh what could've been (Columbia, email me for where you can send the check. You're welcome).

Without any further bitching and moaning about '80s Dylan, let's do this dinner!

SIDE A:
Let's Stick Together- 2 Dylan knows how to get a party started don't he? Book studio time, throw some musicians in a room, and pull out a classic blues song originally by Wilbert Harrison.

(Wilbert Harrison, in the flesh, posing next to a big arrow)

Here, Dylan achieves some real lowbrow rock sleaze, but for the first time since Infidels, the recording finally sounds halfway decent (although completely dated). This is a cool tune for line-dancing if you've got a bad attitude and pair of sunglasses, or if you wanna fight someone while feeling you were like on an early episode of Roseanne.

(An example of someone who might like the rockin' power of "Let's Stick Together")

When Did You Leave Heaven?- 5 Whether or not you eat meat, do yourself a favor and get your hands on these Beyond Sausages made by the Beyond Meat company. There's an F'n reason they are flying off the shelves. I pan fried these bad boys, leaving them on longer than suggested for an extra snap to the "skin." You literally can't tell the difference!!! TRY THEM...  So far I have taken one bit of the "German" style one I made, with onion and mustard. I've died and gone to heaven. Must pace myself before I devour the whole dang thing in mere seconds.

(For reference.... please make all checks payable to Dinner with Dylan)

Speaking of which, I must've died, or at least lost my mind. I'm loving this song! Perhaps one of the strangest elements in John Hughes' late '80s movies (i.e. Planes Trains and Automobiles) is his baffling use of horrendous incidental music he laces through his entire film catalog. With that said, this one feels like the one that got away from the Hughes vaults. However, I WILL contest this is so strange, oddly produced, clunky, and practically lo-fi, I love it. It's also oddly catchy and heartbreaking, and all at 2 minutes.

Sally Sue Brown- 1 Okay, I may have just lost my mind giving that hunk of shit track a perfect score but damn it's been so many dinners with this Dylan fool since I've felt something! I mean any emotion. Usually it's just been hatred over the sound of the drums! All it took was a drum machine, an inability to play guitar, and a coy melody. Perfect. Anyway, back to reality. This is a crummy, short blues rocker full of baritone crooning backups, and a boogie feel that makes me wanna vom.

I'm working my way through this Beyond Sausage... Taking one bite and pacing is nearly impossible with these delicious, GREASY things. Another Dinner With Dylan plagued by greasier than normal keyboard conditions. Yowza!

(on the set of Dinner With Dylan)

Death is Not the End- 4 Four tracks in and we finally get the first Dylan original. This one's a slow sad throwback to the days when Dylan was young and sad, rather than sadly old. Slowly, I feel the power of this one creeping in, Dylan singing in a hushed monotone style over this honky-tonk balladry. Pianos twinkle, guitars fizzle in and out. It's all rather beautiful and somewhat arresting.

Had a Bad Dream About You, Baby- 2 Well, one mock sausage down... one to go. And perfect timing as we hit the end of Side A.  This is one of those foods where you get to look forward to your burps afterward. I believe that should be an selling point. Hey, BEYOND MEAT, add that to your packaging (email me for where you can send the check).

Here, Dylan is returns with more spine tingling, bone chilling white boy, coma inducing blues. It's so lifeless from the jump. There's something lurking in the chorus that's almost worthy of a thumbs up but primarily this short burst is a overproduced blue rocker with no breaks on hilly road full of wide turns. It's best suited for the opening credits of My Cousin Vinny 2 or the like. Icky and dated.


SIDE B:
Ugliest Girl in the World- 2 Well this title is not very nice at all. Shameful. But hey, I guess someone in the world has to be the ugliest. Speaking of ugly, this song is pretty fugly itself. It's a scummier version of the last song, but with that Shell Silverstein tongue-in-cheek type sensibility. Co-written with Robert Hunter (the bald Dad looking guy who wrote all the Grateful Dead lyrics), this one goes nowhere fast. Some soulful female backups and a short harmonica rip are in there for good measure, but the whole thing stinks like a sweaty '80s workout bench.

(Dylan and his back-up band, throughout most of the '80s, sources say)

Silvio- 2 Alright folks. I am into my second sausage sandwich, this one dripping with marinara sauce, and oozing with sautéed pepper and onions. Time to turn my keyboard into a massacre!  Oh Jesus, I just took on bite and half the thing fell apart. But that's the price to pay for indulging in something so delicious! This is gonna be a quick eat.

Another collaboration with Robert Hunter, this tracks a bouncy, almost playful ditty. There's some mandolin chiming away in the back along with odd plucking and gang vocals keeping this whole thing light on its toes. Unfortunately, it's lame. However, it's another welcome change of pace even if it's feels soulless. Sometimes it's fun to watch the boat sink.

Ninety Miles an Hour (Down a Dead End Street)- 4 Just as suspected, I have savagely devoured the rest of my sausage sandwich. Now I'm all alone, awaiting my gassy fate. A sad man, with saucy hands.

(Me just trying to finish this review)

Like "When Did You Leave Heaven?" this is another patched together track, but sans the otherworldly drum machine of the aforementioned. Dylan delivers a solid Gospel cover of Nashville legend, Don Robertson's tune. Baritone "hums" swoop about, the guitars sounds lost, the piano noodles and pops around. Vocal wise, it feels like Dylan actually gives a shit on it, and the whole thing is catchy as Beyond Sausage burps are infectious.

Shenandoah- 3 Dylan tackles the CLASSIC American folk song. Renditions of this song have been performed by over 600 million people over the course of forever, so it's cool Dylan finally took a stab at it. Just what the world needs! Right? Right?

(an example of something else the world doesn't really need) 

Dylan gives a rather lazy vocal showing, and the instruments are all over the place, but it all kind of works. Nothing to write home about but a sturdy leg to hold up the later half of this odd album.

Rank Strangers to Me- 3 Real bare-bones Dylan closes out this strange, lopsided smattering of leftover ideas that is Down In the Groove. This closer might be the bad hangover at the end of the decade of big hair had finally cause Dylan to throw in the towel of being so mediocre. A real lowly cover, it sounds like the way the album cover looks. Kind of a whole lot of nothing, but while saying something at the same time. What that something is? Who cares. The album is over. Another '80s Dylan bites the dust.


WELL, that's another meal down in the gut. No, the groove? Oh well. For those who have stuck by me through this culinary journey, we are just about surface through the muck we've been in since the post Blood on the Tracks Dylan. There's hope, and it's on the way. Oh shit, I just remembered Under Red Sky. 

("Who can forget that one?"- Bob Dylan, talking to his favorite hat)

Anyway, join me next time as I look into Bob Dylan's COMEBACK album, the 48th "comeback" record of his career. You know, the one that everyone loved at first because it was less shitty than the shittiest shit that Dylan had been shitting, and then eventually decided "ehh, it's pretty shitty", causing Columbia to slap more of these things on the leftover copies...

YES, I'm talking about 1989's, Daniel Lanois' produced, Oh Mercy.  STAY TUNED!!!

Knocked Out Loaded (1986)

KNOCKED OUT LOADED

(Columbia Records, 1986)

MY DINNER

(Spaghetti with garlic marinara sauce, a helping of Texas Toast, and a glass of Valpolicella)

Holy "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant", Busboy!  Another italian themed dinner you say! Last go round, pizza, now pasta. What's the deal? The deal is I need to surround myself with comfort foods to get through this volume of unholy, comfortless albums.

Well, have we all recovered from the agida we received from Dylan's '85 Empire Burlesque? Have you let the synth drums sink into our souls, and then purged them enough to continue on the journey? Well, by George I hope so because we're about to enter a phase in which critics basically took a Dixon-Ticonderoga eraser to Bob Dylan's legacy and declared him artistically dead. And, we STILL have '88's Down in the Groove to get through before there's some scattered sunbeams over the horizon!

Yes, friends, we are on the downward trajectory of a rollercoaster without a harness. Can you feel the pain? Give in, succumb to the blandness, the scattershot nothingness. The sky's the limit.

(Ride full of Dylan fans heading into "Knocked Out Loaded" with nothing to lose)

Following Dylan's Alzheimer spasms into disco, funk, and pop synthetics that choked any life out of Empire Burlesque, we arrive at one of Dylan's most dismissed albums. Knocked Out Loaded is possibly the most critically panned... no, FORGOTTEN LP in the catalog. On his religious awakening trilogy, people at least debated over fact vs. fiction intent. On '83s Infidels, some batted lashes and prayed the troubadour was back. On Empire Burlesque, the critics and historians raised a stink about merit and the albums intentions of keeping up with the times. But here, we find a hodgepodge of bland songs, scattered about on slabs of wax for the purpose of what? Filling landfills?


(The album reached No. 53 on the Billboard charts by selling 100,000 copies directly to this landfill in Clawson, Michigan... maybe)

WAYYY back in the "dinner days" (sentimental times of dinners past), I find myself in a moment of recollection over the LP; Dylan. On Dylan, I went off about how it contained 9 measly cover songs, was never repressed on CD in the digital age, and serves as a weird footnote in Dylan lore of audio nothingness. I even ate WHITE RICE, to protest how worthless it was. The thing that sets these 2 records apart? Dylan never intended Dylan to be released in the first place! For Knocked Out Loaded on the other hand, Dylan was quoted as saying in '85, "I think the next record is going to sound even better [than Emprire Burlesque]"  Oh Bobby, what have you done.

For this record, Dylan essentially contributes ONLY 2 original songs (hell, the LP only has 8, so whatever). The rest are a 3 collaborative efforts, plus 3 covers.  One begins to wonder the reason for its incarnation; to raise his post Live Aid profile, to promote his newly established tenure in the super group The Traveling Wilburys? The only thing I can figure is Dylan set forth on an anti-environmental frenzy to scorch the earth of such valuable materials as cardboard stock and vinyl to put more matter into the world!

(Scorched-Earth Zimmy self-pressing copies of Knocked Out Loaded)

On the recoding side of things, the entire record is a mash up of finished product, spanning 30 different recording sessions from 1984-1986. 30 sessions, 2 years, and the best they could come up with was this (hateful) 8?

Basically, the storied path of these sessions, in theory, should sound like this:


But come out more like this:



Real quick on the dinner, again, I'm going comfort over decadence. I have a plate of angel hair pasta, covered in marinara sauce (straight from the jar, baby. Just like grandma used to make it), and added some fresh roasted garlic for that "old country" stylee. I've heated up a piece of Texas Toast (in the microwave, like our forefathers did before us), and topped it off with  Parmesan cheese (the kind that's only legally considered cheese in about 12 states). I've brought along a little friend of mine called Wine. It's a dark glass or Valpolicella, a three grape wine from the province of Verona, Italy (Vintage: 2017!). How much did this bottle cost me, you ask? Well, $99.99, I do say. Oh, sorry. One to many 9s!


(The number 7 doing it's own Dinner with Dylan, eating one of my 9s)


The cover of this is by and large the best thing of the record. Supposedly a recreation of an image found in an old Pulp Magazine, the record at least LOOKS like it could potentially sound cool. I mean, a woman is about to smash a jug on the head of a dude choking the living shit out of another dude. In fact, this is essentially an allegory for Dylan's creative concussion that's practically put him in a fucking coma! Based not he cover, this sound could be Dylan's punkest record yet. Unfortunately, it sounds like the way this guys smells.

(GG Allin miming the lyrics to Dylan during the recording of "We Are The World," circa '85)

Anyway, now that the sight of GG Allin has rid me of my appetite, lets dive into this white paint bucket of record and forge ahead. Bottoms up!

SIDE A:

You Wanna Ramble- 1 Okay, so let's start with the facts. Dylan did not write this one. It's a cover song originally by Junior Parker, an old-time blues singer, but the way it's executed it could have been written by a sled named Rosebud (yes, an inanimate fucking object with a provocative name).

(Dylan posing with blues sled legend, Rosebud)

The most soulless of"soul" music, Dylan sounds like he's playing in a neon soaked bar, the boys around all cracking open some ice cold Buds. Hell, this sounds like Dylan in an '80s Budweiser commercial.  And this might be the corniest percussion performance (along with that barely mixed) snare sound in the mix. No, this is a travesty to drums. Why does Dylan hate drums?

(Exhibit A; drums that have earned more respect than the drums on Knocked Out Loaded)

They Killed Him- 2 I have dug into my spaghetti here. What can I say? It's starchy, it's saucy, it's filled to the brim with carbs. I love it! I can eat spaghetti for every meal (which would save me boatloads of money), but I'd like to keep some tiny semblance of health. Luckily, I'm helping the spaghetti go down to tonight with some fine wine. Back to the song...

There is a joke to be made in this title, but I won't. Covering his friend and contemporary, Kris Kristofferson, Dylan and the backing crooners breath the first breath into the album, even if it's a stale, dying one. Dated production is something I'm trying to stomach with each passing song... NO, each album. How did this happen for so long? This is all around bad, but is saved by the baffling MUST HEAR passage sung by children.

(children singing)

Driftin' Too Far From Shore- 1 At track 3, we find ourselves with Dylan's first true composition of the record. And what prize awaits? Initially, this turd starts out sounding like The Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" for a second before transforming into a struttin' funk pop tune. This song is a real guy's guy type of song, y'know. I mean, it's the type of song for real men, who wear white leather and say things like "what's cookin' good lookin'."  Oh brother. I need mouthwash for my ears.

(Music fan tries to forget about "Driftin' Too Far From Shore")

Speaking of mouthwash, a little bit about this wine. It's a very dry wine, a little on the bitter side. On first sip, I believe I made a face to no one in particular, and did one of those small head shake things. Overall, I've enjoyed it more with every sip, but it's not quite my cup of tea. The Texas Toast on the other hand? Oh, fuck yeah! This cheap garlic shit dowsed in spray cheese are what dream castles are made of, and I wanna live there!

(my brain on TEXAS TOAST... me, not pictured)

Precious Memories-2 I hope I never find myself on a cruise ship to Hell. If you HAVE found yourself on a cruise ship to Hell, this was playing, right?  Here, Dylan unearths this traditional gospel song covered by every who's-who to every never-was under the blazing hellfire sun. On one hand, it's pitiful, full of steel drums, reggae upstroke guitar hits, and dub bass, but on the other the gang vocal, hymnal style is actually somewhat decent. Drop anchor, and thank the Good Lord for this pina colada you're about to sip....  In my case, bottom's up to more Valpolicella!!!

(The Office is a show full of precious memories and steel drums)

Maybe Someday- 2 A direct, poppy declarative tune as Zimmy starts pointing fingers. And when crooked fingered Zim starts pointing, there's no telling where he'll stop.

(during his 6th hour of pointing)

Revenge is best served through recollections and reflections, and I guess that's what this song is about? Dylan does so much finger pointing in this it's no wonder he finds time to play the guitar. Anyways, the "uh-huh-uh" harmony parts that pop up in the middle equal parts idiotic and genius. This track is another can of corn, but sometimes I like corn... with butter. But good lord, those God forsaken drums.

(Disrespect) 

SIDE B:

Brownsville Girl- 3 As is the case with many Dinner With Dylan's, Side 2 = 2nd serving time! I've put a pile of spaghetti on the plate, poured the garlic marinara on and am about to go to town on this neverender of a song. Here goes nothin'.

If there is one "classic" for consideration from this album, fans and critics will agree it is "Brownsville Girl." I have heard this song twice prior, once when I was reading up on classic Dylan, and once when I purchased this record. The worst thing about this song is it's length. At 11 minutes, it could've shaved off about 12. WHOA! Too far, even for me.  On this epic, cowritten with playwright/actor Sam Shepard,  Dylan sounds like he gives some sort of a shit about the outcome. Lyrically, there is a novella of an idea to be had. It's refreshing in the scheme of the LP, but damn, it's long! 

("Brownsville Girl" is so long, they made a movie about it)

Got My Mind Made Up- 2  Tragedy has struck, my friends. In the mayhem, I miscalculated the amount of Texas Toast I had left.I've just returned from the kitchen with a dilemma, for the box is empty. Do I make regular toast with butter, or go careless the final 2 tracks as I sip with this wine? Stay tuned to find out!

Well, if you were into Dylan co-written ditties, have I got a treat for you. The penultimate track of this rather short LP was penned by Florida's greatest export since Gatorade; Tom Petty. At this point, the two played together in The Traveling Wilburys which helped to make Dylan relevant at a time when these solo LPs were popping up in record stores like flaming bags of dog shit on Welcome mats. Petty helps add some "edge" to the track," but ultimately it's flattened by weak production and that putrid drum sound.

(Blonde on Blind... Dylan's slogan for '86)

Under Your Spell- 1 I have decided to forgo the carbs. If it ain't Texas Toast, I don't want it!

(Me, or Mark E. Smith?, a few minutes ago, taking a long hard look in the mirror)

So with that problem solved, I present to you the rest. The final song of this long trudge through a whole lot a' nothin'... This closer was co-written by Carole Bayer Sager, who has had quite an impressive career in the shadows. Sager has written songs covered by everyone and their mothers from here to Timbuktu. She also won an Academy Award for writing the theme song to the 1981 Dudley Moore vehicle, Arthur. Well, now that you got that brief history lesson, I'll leave you with the sound of my head shaking. Hear it? Well, take my word; it sounds better than this! And those drums!

(final mix down of the drums in Knocked Out Loaded)

I'm so proud of us! We made it. If you read this... if you listened... there is hope in this world. We have collectively made it, dinner or not, through a really rough patch of Dylan. I know some of you may be out there fashioning spears out of twigs to come hunt me down for saying anything negative, but c'mon. Pat yourselves on the back. 

Can't wait to move on to greener pasture with... 

WAIT....

What's that?....

There's an LP some say is WORSE than Knocked Out Loaded? One that may be even MORE forgotten over time? An LP that includes the confounding likes of The Clash's Paul Simonon, Sex Pistols' Steve Jones, Jerry Garcia and Bob Weir of The Grateful Dead, Eric Clapton, Dire Straits' Mark Knopfler, Ronnie "Rolling Stones/The Faces" Wood, and Randy Jackson of American Idol fame... AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT IT!!!!??? Yes, I'm talking 1988's Down In the Groove!!! 

Stay tuned. 

Empire Burlesque (1985)

EMPIRE BURLESQUE

(1985, Columbia Records)

MY DINNER

(A classic slice of Ellio's pizza, from the box, garnished with parmesan cheese and Frank's "I Put That $h!t On Everything" Red Hot)

Welcome my holiday happy friends and listeners to another gut wrenching entry of Dinner With Dylan. As the Christmas season is upon us, I only thought it necessary to hold my piece of once frozen, craptastic pizza in front of it for full piney freshness. This may be the lowest form of DINNER yet... but when dealing with such monstrosities as Dylan's 23rd album, it's only fitting.

Who's that Don Johnson looking motherlover on the front cover?  Some might actually think it's Adam Sandler's stunt double in the Wedding Singer.

(Robbie Hart... The original Bob Dylan of 1985)

But you'd be wrong. It is actually Bob Dylan, born Robert Zimmerman fully soaking in the Big Haired/Crack Epidemic riddled Hot Tub that was the '80s. 1985 to be exact! The hair was big, ghost busting was an actual job (I'm pretty sure), and America was getting ready to go BACK TO THE FUTURE. Also, fetuses were REALLY cool in the mid-'80s. How do I know? Because I was a fetus in the '80s! Right when this LP came out. Yes, this is my Bob Dylan birth record.

(me, in the water, about the listen to Empire Burlesque)


Anyway, I'll hold off on the dinner portion for now. The miracle of birth is always the best appetizer.  Let's talk about the record.

The short of it; This record is bad. Goodnight.

Just saved the internet a bunch of digital waste.

Okay, since you must insist on more waste, I shall exercise my fingers. Dylan recorded his 23rd album in the Summer of 1984 fresh off a European tour in support of Infidels, all while still flippin' off Jesus in the rearview.


("Right back at you. You have betrayed me, Bobby"- Jesus to Robert Zimmerman in '84)

Bob Dylan took a bunch of songs he had from the Infidels sessions plus some he wrote at his Malibu home and turned it into this confounding scrap heap. Again, goodnight. Ok, I'll go on a little longer since someone's gotta eat this Ellio's pizza while listening to the damn thing.


Yes, the bible days were behind him with Infidels slowly becoming another footnote in a once storied carrier. With Zimmy not getting any younger, guess he felt like no time like the present to make a run at MTV!!!


For those who don't know, MTV was a music related channel that showed music videos like this...



and this

and this

Yes, that's pretty much what MTV was in 1985, and the kids loved it. Hell, even Bob Dylan was on MTV doing his best confused faced during 1985's "We Are The World."


("We are the what? Woooooorrrrrld, maaaannnnn?"- Dylan in his mind, still talking like a goat)


So Bob Dylan, being the Hitmaker he was in '85 thought, "Hey, Mr. Establishment. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."  And join him he did, with membership card in hand. Except these songs were about as enjoyable to the MTV generation as listening to Reganonmics-on-Tape.

Initially, Dylan produced the sessions himself. However, when it came time to mix, Hitmaker Dyl sought out producer Arthur Baker to assist in added production, etc. At the time, Arthur Baker was somewhat famously known for working with hip-hop legend Africa Bambaataa, as well as New Order, and (much lesser hip-hop legends) Hall & Oates.  It was time for a new, fresh sound. The one's the kids would dig!


(80s kids thinkin' Empire Burlesque is a bitchen skate record in the burbs. Fuck Reagan)


For all of its strange choices, it's a fascinating time and place in the Dylan discography, as well as a polarizing record. Some say it was worth the attempt but remains laughable. Others are like, "listen below the synths, the lyrics are there, maaaaaannn!"  That fake quote I just made up is probably from Bob Dylan alone in a dark room in 1986. Deep breath, let's do this.

SIDE A:

Tight Connection To My Heart (Has Anybody Seen My Love)- 3 Dylan has gone into full '80s mid-life crisis mode here. This song is living proof, if you put a vacuum hose up to your soul it is possible to suck it dry. One has to wonder, if that bushy-haired, Woody Guthrie obsessed spinner of tall-tales from Minnesota put on a pair of headphones in the '60s and heard what he'd later be doing in the '80s... who knows what might have happened!?

(Bob Dylan in 1962 listening to his own record from the future, during a 46º day)

 However, after all my whining, this song is horribly catchy, and I've always kind of liked it. It's part thrift-store-keyboard-rock, part reggae cruise-ship vibe, with a strong lick of country pop. I mean, this is terrible, but fascinating. Let's not forget, all too catchy. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor to help chew my first bite here. Woof!.. but I kind of like the pain. 

(a local dog cowers in shame after I admit I kind of like the opening track to Empire Burlesque) 

Seeing The Real You at Last- 1 So I really didn't touch on tonight's dinner. Hell, I don't know if I'll even TOUCH tonight's dinner. Initially, my wife and I planned a nice salmon meal, but with both of us feeling under the weather I thought, I'll heat up this Ellio's pizza.

For those who don't know, Ellio's looks a little something like this:

(neither of these people are me)

I had this around the house from the last 2 for $4 sale at the Stop and Shop (that rockin'-ass supermarket from The Modern Lovers "Roadrunner"), and thought why not? Well, let me tell you, I love this yoga mat pizza topped with synthetic cheese. Is it pizza? Fuck no. Is it food? I don't think so AT ALL. More on this later. 

Back to the song: Not only is Dylan dressed like he's out of an episode of Miami Vice on the cover, but here it's as if Dylan took a stab at penning some humid, neon light glowing groove rock from a potentially unaired cop-related pilot. It's sweaty, it's gross, it funked up in the worst way.

OH FUCK, I burned the roof of my mouth on Ellio's pizza. I got overzealous. The hot sauce on this pizza is sure to make things less enjoyable with every bite from here on out.

Anyway, this SONG sucks too. Ugh, I'm going to look a picture of  the old Bob Dylan. I mean, the young Bob Dylan, to remember what the old days were like... back when I thought, "hey, there's a really coooooool guy,"....

AHHHHHHH!!!!  DON'T LOOK BACK!!! A prophecy! How right you are, Hitmaker Dyl. This is the '80s, and we can no longer "look back." This is it... onward we march. But what are we marching for? Oh sweet baby jesus, is this song still playing?..... This pizza is very hot! 

I'll Remember You- 3 After that sleazed up funk, and burnt ass mouth, I've practically lost my will to eat. I've gone ahead and sprinkled more parmesan cheese on the pizza to quell the Frank's Red Hot.

Hearing this song after "Seeing the Real You At Last" is jarring! I practically LOVE this song, but maybe only because of the juxtaposition.  This song is actually a really beautiful, melancholy number, like the first sun after a spring shower; even though the lyrics are a ball of corn, and the production omits a stench. However, if this were done around the time of say Time Out of Mind, we'd all be singing it's praises.

Clean Cut Kid- 2 If you were looking for soundtrack music for Uncle Buck 2: The Sequel We Never Knew you've come to the right track!

(Uncle Buck meets Dylan, 1989)

This is some straight up white boy blues flop. Aurally, it sounds the way some Billy Joel music videos look! It's less cool than a skinny tie music, but for people who dig skinny ties! Another car wreck in the catalog of which I can't peel my ears from. It's got swing, hooks, but makes me wanna crawl back in the womb just a little bit (refer to above Pool picture). Anyway, it's about a kid going off to Vietnam and coming back FUBAR'd. Lyrically, noble concept, but horrid execution. 

Never Gonna Be the Same Again- 2 For those keeping track at home, I've finished my slab of frozen pizza. The one that I posed with by the X-mas tree. Before Side 2, I will heat up another.

Here, the song title pretty much summed up where Bob Dylan had fallen by the time 1985 had rolled around. Sure, he was performing at Live Aid, touring all over the world, and reveling in his past fame, but truly these were dark times. This track has some life to it, soulfully delivered by Dylan and the backups ghouls hidden in the production mist. However, the synths and electro drum hits suck the life out of this potential gem. The electric high-end keys lead needs to be studied!

SIDE B:

Trust Yourself- 1 Ladies and Germs, I am back with a fresh slice of Ellio's pizza, a pizza so versatile I can be eaten while doing your homework or while at a sleepover. It can also be used as a bathroom sponge or a saucy face rag. Endless possibilities!

(Ellio's; Natures' Face Rag)

Here's another song title that really sums up what Bob Dylan wasn't quite doing in 80s. Or perhaps he was trusting himself too much. Song sounds like a snarling pep talk in a PSA commercial. The music is far more sparse than the last two tracks, but manages to be a brutal assault on the ears. Also, it's incredibly boring. Talk about dragging your feet through the mud...plus there's no doormat for Dylan to wipe his shoes off in the end. Muddy bullshit!

(a collection of Dylan's "session" shoes, worn between Street-Legal and Under the Red Sky; '78-'90)

Emotionally Yours- 2 Bobby does the ballads. Again, like "I'll Remember You," the guts of the song are strong. The lyrics and vocally delivery, however, are pretty poor. On top of that, the production makes this come off as a backing track you'd hear playing at Chinese Buffet on a rainy Tuesday. It's the music you'd find on your cousin's personalized High School Graduation VHS tape, from 1985.... It's horrid. Still, the song has a nice hook to it. If for 4 minutes and 30 seconds you want to feel like you live in the town of Twin Peaks, then this song is (emotionally) for you.

(SPOILER ALERT: Deputy Andy Brennan killed Laura Palmer after hearing Empire Burlesque There, hope you're happy).

When the Night Comes Falling From the Sky- 1 Stop what you're doing! I don't care if you're pulling a car off a baby. Get to a computer, a record store, wherever you might find this (probably a computer), and listen to this opening. Is there a musical equivalent to a Razzie? If so toss it over its way! Woof.

(exhibit A: a Razzie)

This song is so long, you can stop what you're doing and actually find out who killed Laura Palmer in the meantime. By the time you find out, this song will probably be still playing (it's about 14 hours long), and you won't care who killed Laura Palmer anymore. You'll wish they had killed you too! This is an all you can eat buffet of bad taste, dated decadence, and disco-vogue done Dylan style.  Somewhat peculiarly, Dylan sounds pretty great on this track vocal-wise. This is still a MUST HEAR. An infamous track all-around, and one that's got me gaggin'. 

Something's Burning, Baby- 3 A somber, hopeful drone of a march that eventually breaks form, easing into sluggish pop territory. It's quite possibly the most "normal" sounding track on the record in terms of production but still horribly dated. Although strange beyond belief, it's probably the best track on the record since the opener. But who knows? There are those who will tell you they are fans of this record... But I don't believe their ears. 

(exhibit A: an example of a person whose ears I don't believe)

Dark Eyes- 5 So we've come to the end of the long walk off a not so short pier. As to remind everyone that Bob Dylan is still Bob Dylan and not Robbie Zimmerflash of the Disco underworld, the song opens with an acoustic guitar along with harmonica accompaniment. Holy crow!  AND, there's never a preprogrammed drum drop in! Let me sit here and actually enjoy this one... This song is goddamn perfect, it makes me wanna weep. Weep for the song. The fans. Myself for sitting through Empire Burlesque. Repetitive, beautiful, haunting closer.


Another Dinner is in the can, my friends. When I say can, I mean garbage can. And when I say "garbage can" I mean my stomach, which is full of 2 slab of Ellio's face rags.

Join me next time, if you can still stomach this journey. I just might cook up something bland and forgettable, as I listen to one of the most forgotten LPs of the Bob Dylan discography; a real speck of dust floating in a Grand Canyon sized catalog....  Knocked Out Loaded.  See y'all next time!!!

(Bob Dylan biographers trying to find evidence of Knocked Out Loaded)