Infidels
(1983, Columbia Records)
MY DINNER
(California Noodles w/ Vegetable Mix and a side of fried vegetable dumplings)
Happy Halloween Actually, it's WAY after Halloween, so stop acting so scared that I ONCE MORE resurrected myself from the dead to keep talking about Dylan... But not the Dead. Go waste your time elsewhere with Dick's Picks Volume 41.
I'll Be Dead Before I review that Dylan and the Dead live album! Sorry gang, not an official studio album. Happy Holidays!
But I digress about Dad Things. I mean, Dead Things! I have finally returned back on the scene after my umpteenth hiatus from this delectable web series. Back by popular demand, I forge ahead with bib in shirt, fork in hand to continue crawling through the 80's with the Master of Zimmermaning (defined as "the art of being Zimmy").
After Pastor Dylan got down off his Evangelical pulpit and put the Praise Party back on the bus to the Holy Land, the world was baptized with Infidels; the 22nd album of Bob Dylan's never-ending career. Co-produced by Dire Straits' Mark Knopfler (a frequent collaborator with Dylan since Slow Train Coming), the two men created what some critics hailed as Dylan's early '80s return to greatness, at the time.
I'll Be Dead Before I review that Dylan and the Dead live album! Sorry gang, not an official studio album. Happy Holidays!
But I digress about Dad Things. I mean, Dead Things! I have finally returned back on the scene after my umpteenth hiatus from this delectable web series. Back by popular demand, I forge ahead with bib in shirt, fork in hand to continue crawling through the 80's with the Master of Zimmermaning (defined as "the art of being Zimmy").
After Pastor Dylan got down off his Evangelical pulpit and put the Praise Party back on the bus to the Holy Land, the world was baptized with Infidels; the 22nd album of Bob Dylan's never-ending career. Co-produced by Dire Straits' Mark Knopfler (a frequent collaborator with Dylan since Slow Train Coming), the two men created what some critics hailed as Dylan's early '80s return to greatness, at the time.
Return to greatness, huh? The entire album is generally mucked up by poor production, and is bogged down by far too much noodling over what was essentially Dylan getting back to his Dylan style (i.e.; not religious gobbledygook). According to legend (wikipedia), before settling on Knopfler, Dylan talked to Elvis Costello, David Bowie, and FRANK FUCKING ZAPPA about producing his record! Too bad we missed out on Bob Dylan singing songs about Robot Blowjobs, interspersed with vibraphones and flushing toilets. Oh... what could have been....
Frank Zappa... thinking about robot blowjobs.
The whole LP is the equivalent to "hey let's take a trip to the beach?" Sounds all fun and rosy, until you realize you've taken on raging case of second degree sunburn and a jellyfish's found its way into your bathing suit lining, and they ain't leaving until they've stung their last set of rum balls!
(Rum Balls are a traditional holiday treat best served delicious... Bring your sweet tooth)
Oh, one thing I haven't talked about yet? Yes, you guessed it. My dinner. After all, this is Dinner with Dylan, the internet's premier mix of Bob Dylan and dinner. Tonight, I have purchased myself some exquisite Chinese takeout from Noodle Gourmet in New Brunswick, NJ. I have a side of California Noodles with their signature "veggie mix," along with a side of fried vegetable dumplings. It's about 3 pounds of delicious, steaming food which will be fully ingested by about half way through the second song! But enough about me... Back to Infidels.
On the cover, Dylan's looking cool as ice, wearing shades, sporting some questionably maintained scruff, and wearing a general expression of "come fight me." This is clearly the street punk Dylan kids had been clamoring for. It's apparent that the one thing kids could count on in 1983 was how to spot notable celebrities donning cool eye ware. Here's other iconic 80's people who wore it well....
Rocky
Andy
Roy
Amelia
and Kareem.
While we all know spectacles are very very cool, let's not sit here and prejudge this record any longer than we need to. Sit down and take a slow ride with me on the the early '80s Dylan highway.
SIDE A:
Jokerman- 4 Featuring the work of reggae giants, Sly Dunbar and Robbie Shakespeare, Bob Dylan starts things off with a sprawling tale that's equal parts DAD rock and Caribbean cruise music. Musically, it's oddly hypnotic. Come to think of it, it's all pretty reminiscent of pre-programmed song on an old Casio keyboard. But thankfully, "Jokerman" is not made by a keyboard company, but by the company of real-life, breathing, fret touching men.... Bob Dylan gives a killer vocal performance, really kickin’ out these MF island jams. Still, the whole thing leaves a taste of straight virgin margarita mix, no chaser.
(next time you're at your favorite Bob Dylan themed watering hole, slap a 10 spot on the bar and ask for a Virgin Jokerman... they'll know)
Sweetheart Like You- 3 So, the opening track was pretty never ending so it's time to make a quick comment on this meal. If you'v never had California Noodles, then I don't know what to tell you. I don't even know what they are! They're a mix between hard ramen noodles and a bird's nest. Luckily, when Noodle Gourmet in New Brunswick throws this wet, piping hot vegetable slop on it, the noodles soften and it become a noodle shoveling marathon. DELICIOUS!
Okay, this 2nd ditty off Bob Dylan's critically acclaimed early '80s outing feels about as adult contemporary as you can get without applying for your AARP card, but there's something subtle and haunting beneath the surface. If you're into piano, little horn flares, and drums soaked in reverb, this pouty blues ballad is for you. This song may be redefining "lame," every time it's played, but finally there's signs of the old Zimmerman magic in here. Also, from here on out, Dylan will be referred to as Magician Zimmerman, it is decided.
(Magician Zimmerman reading a book about card tricks)
Neighborhood Bully- 2 So, according to scholarly reports on the great Professor, this might be a political song about the state of Israel. Look, if there's one thing I don't like to do while eating dinner, its talk politics. Unfortunately, this guy Dylan is all like "politics is my appetizer, mannnn!" (Reportedly uttered during a brunch with The Beatles in 1977). Beyond the politics of a "refreshed" Zimmerman in '83, what you will surmise from this song, though, it's the first "rock" song of the LP. It's a never-ending dad rock song that falls somewhere between The Modern Lovers fronted by Bob Dylan, but ends up sounding like a worse Dire Straits fronted by Bob Dylan.
(an example of a Bully, one who doesn't like to invest in belts)
License to Kill- 2 The SNARE DRUM on this is terrible. The fucking snare drum. That's what my critiques have come down to, Mr. Dylan... if that is your real name!? Meet me at the corner of Reverb and Compression and we'll dig our own graves, listener of the Snare Drum. Christ! But I'm guessing most of Magician Zimmerman's fans don't listen to him for the snare drum experience. Taking a broader perspective, this is a true schmaltzy affair, harkening back to the what I'd like to think of as The Band "Light" material. Not that The Band with Dylan was very heavy, but it's got the feel of The Basement Tapes/Planet Waves, with all of the charm of say, a karaoke backing track on loop.
(According to reports, Magician Zimmerman eventually rented this VHS from a Duluth Blockbuster Video, according to a nameless teenaged video store jockey.)
Speaking of "kill," I just killed this entire dish of noodles. Goddamn. I only burned my throat on the piping hot veggie mix about a dozen times, which is a new record low! Noodle Gourmet has done it again. In fact, I would be happy to be your spokesperson, Noodle Gourmet. For all your noodle needs, head down to beautiful (term used loosely) New Brunswick, NJ! Yes, that's right. Head down to the N to the J for Noodle Gourmet!
(tonight's highly unofficial, unwitting sponsor of Dinner with Dylan)
SIDE B:
Man of Peace- 1 Well, this one's a long one so I'm gonna sit back a let it play out while I finish up my meal here. I know this is a prime opportunity because this song is a one-way ticket to a temporary rock coma. Everything about this song is garbage, sans Dylan's snarled vocal stylings at times. It goes on way too long, bouncing along on a toothpick thin bass line. For added measure we are pounded with extended guitar solos all buried in the ugly mix. Dammit Mark Knopfler for your production, but thank you for your contribution to the headband community.
("no problemo"- Mark Knopfler)
Union Sundown- 3 Magician Zimmerman breaks down the hypocritical culture we all encounter, buying, selling, and wearing products from around the world by the hands of slave labor, including headbands. Yet, we sit here in the US, on our high-horses complaining about others, yet it's our own damn fault. Magician here sets the record straight. Lyrically, Magician Zim is like "hey redneck, here's the facts. Ya' screwed it up...." The message is a profound one delivered in a simple-minded way to the simple minded folk. The whole song rides through on prickly Knopfler guitar leads and a bass so bouncy you'd think it was being played by a trampoline itself!
(So bouncy is the bass, it can be heard on all tracks included in the Greatest Hits of Trampoline songs)
I and I- 3 What does adult relations smell like? Maybe the first 4 seconds of this song! To make matters more icky, Dylan speaks about the woman that sleeps in his bed during his first line.... Oooof, it's a sleazy incidental music opening that gives way to a rainy day depression progression, complete with regrettable afternoon sex. Is this song about fornication? I don't even think so, but it's kind of gross sounding throughout. Apparently it's about struggling with being a Bob Dylan figure in society when your name is Bob Dylan and you've helped to change the world. Again, the snare drum will make you lose your mind. This time it sounds like a shoe box being punched in Hell. However, the lyrics are pretty tops, despite the "steamy shower sex" feel critics rarely talk about.
(Magician Zimmerman performs the classic "steamy shower sex" trick.)
Also, damn, I near forgot to talk about my dumplings! In closing, my dumpling were fantastic. I will say, Noodle Gourmet of New Brunswick, NJ has the best fried dumplings I've ever eaten. I'll take that to my grave. If you wanna take it to the crave, and it's noodles you crave, head on down to the N to the J, it'll make your day... NOODLE GOURMET!
(Noodle Gourmet... located next to TATTOO)
Don't Fall Apart on Me Tonight- 3 As we reach the end of yet another Dinner with Dylan, it's always nice to cleanse the palate with a Sani-wipe of harmonica, and quick nosh of classic Dylan love song. Everything about this epic closer feels like parts '60s, '70s, but mucked up by the worst '80s drum sounds imaginable. It's fairly lifeless throughout, but there's hints of the ol' Magician pulling the melodic rabbit from his melancholy Minnesotan top-hat.
That's it for now, folks! I'll be back next millennium when I decided to eat, sleep, and listen to Dylan again. Hopefully before the year 2020, before we're all blown away by an evil rocket.
Speaking of evil rockets, the next LP is a real doooooooozzzzzy! Empire Burlesque. Some people love it... and they're fucking insane. Until next time!
("For my last trick, I'll attempt to set these metal keys on fire"- Magician Zimmerman)
That's it for now, folks! I'll be back next millennium when I decided to eat, sleep, and listen to Dylan again. Hopefully before the year 2020, before we're all blown away by an evil rocket.
Speaking of evil rockets, the next LP is a real doooooooozzzzzy! Empire Burlesque. Some people love it... and they're fucking insane. Until next time!
(Dylan, keeping his '80s discography safe from quality music)
